Toxic

 

I learnt the word TOXIC relationship after years of marriage with Alvin. I am not saying that we have a toxic relationship, but then I realized there are people around me that are invested in toxic relationship, well of course, with the spouse. And it's usually the wife who cannot let go of the relationship, even though she knows she is being hurt, betrayed and sometimes physically and verbally abused.

Ever watch an Indonesian drama titled "Layangan Putus"? It's basically a story about a man who cheated on his wife and yet he does not want to divorce his wife or let go of his affair. Basically he wants to have two wives. At the first the wife fight back for her marriage and still take good care of the husband even though the affair was carried out openly in front of her. While watching this drama, I was cursing and yet also blaming the wife for being too stupid. The wife described that her former relationship with the husband was like a kite : Husband influence her to choose to be a domestic wife instead of letting her continue her career as a doctor, and well controlling her life.One day, the wife realized that she is in a toxic relationship and that she decided to cut off the kite's string and let go of the marriage and choose happiness. 

I attended a ladies community seminar yesterday. Basically, the speaker shared her marriage journey with her husband who was not faithful. She said she kept praying for years for her husband to come back to the family, and yes till today they are still together, and I believe they are still facing some challenges in their marriage and family. But what she was trying to say was TO PRAY. Ehmm...I am not sure how that works though. If you are in marriage and your spouse is not faithful to you for years and openly carry out his/her unfaithfulness, do I think by praying will make me happier?  Of course I understand in this context, when you are married as a Christian, there is no such thing as divorce. 

I am a Christian believer, but if I know that I am in a toxic relationship that is hurting myself and my children, I will seriously consider of letting go the marriage. But of course, there will be a lot of consideration before one making such a big decision : CHILDREN. At the end, children will be the victims. So who should make the sacrifice? The one who is fighting for the marriage. 

I have two girls. One of the thing that I want to instill in them is find your happiness and have pride in yourself. Uda gak jaman nya dengar orang dulu ngomong nya "oww kalo uda married wajar sebagai istri tutup mata tentang kegiatan suami di luar. Jadi istri harus belajar banyak sabar, harus jadi istri pintar mengurus rumah dan anak dan melayani suami agar suami tidak selingkuh" Kalo dengar orang dulu memberi advice nya begini suka sebel. Because somehow you are teaching your own child seperti "slave"? Is that a right word to say? So what's the point of educating them. 

I have witnessed my own grandma who sacrificed so much for the family, and ended up living a very miserable life. Sampe sudah sakit-sakitan aja ngurusin diri sendiri. I felt bad for her. Karena di otak dia selalu mikir kalo emang dia harus berkorban. When in a marriage you felt you have to sacrifice it means TOXIC.

And yet in the modern days, there are still people I know that are undergoing such marriage. Yah like F said...antara kesal dengerin nya karena berasa suami nya sangat ketraluan ...but yg bego sebenarnya siapa? But of course, we are outsider. We know it is easier to judge rather putting yourself in their position. 

So I will pray for those who are in a toxic relationship to fight for YOUR OWN happiness. Ini bukan berarti egois. When you can learn to find your own happiness, only then you can LOVE unconditionally towards others.